From the Inside Out

On Father’s day, my church gave everyone a book written by Andy Stanley, “Choosing to Cheat: Who Wins When Family and Work Collide?.”  I read it the other day, and it hit home.  The author presents an interesting premise –- everybody has to cheat. 

Think about it.  All of us have several things that demand our attention.  Whether it’s our jobs, spouses, families, ministries or hobbies, all of these things battle for our attention.  None should be neglected, but there aren’t enough hours in the day to reach our full potential in all areas.  We must make tough decisions about what (or who) gets cheated.  In fact, the author suggests the issue isn’t whether people cheat; it’s where they cheat.

Andy believes that a collision between work and family is inevitable.  As a career professional in a highly demanding industry, I tend to agree.  Work/life balance is a huge issue in the workforce today.  Companies have taken tremendous strides to enable employees to regain that balance.  They provide the technology that allows them to work from home and maintain more flexible work hours, but the challenge still exists.  How do you excel in one area without cheating the others?  Sometimes it seems impossible.

I struggle with this issue often.  I want to move ahead in my career, but not at the expense of my personal life or relationship with God.  Unfortunately, I tend to follow the pattern outlined in the book –  I cheat at home.  I invest an inordinate amount of time, energy and passion in my work.  My friends and family get the leftovers. 

I talk about what I “wish” I could do if things were different, but I begrudgingly accept the fact that this is my life – for now.  I haven’t given up completely.  I try to limit my work life by investing more in personal activities.  However, it’s just added to my problems.  Now I have even more responsibilities, and I must cheat in other areas of my life to keep up with everything that’s on my plate.  At the end of the day, I’m exhausted and frustrated.  Even worse, as I began to read the book, I started to realize I am seriously cheating God. 

My personal devotions and prayer time have suffered greatly over the last couple of years.  I go to church feeling so thirsty and dry inside.  When I feel God’s presence, I bathe in it, soaking it up like my life depends upon it.  I think it’s because my daily encounters with Him are so limited these days.  He deserves more.  I can’t afford to cheat any longer.

I couldn’t have read this book at a better time.  As I embark on what will undoubtedly be the busiest (and most critical) months of my career, I can’t forget the real priorities in my life.  I must adjust my schedule to reflect what’s most important. 

Matthew 6:33 states, “Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.”  I know it won’t be easy.  There’s a part of me that still says it’s impossible, but “nothing ventured, nothing gained.”  It’s worth trying.

If you are married sans kids, it’s likely that you’ve been asked the “when are you having children” question hundreds (maybe thousands) of times. Some people will tell you having children is the best thing that ever happened to them. Others will say you are wise for waiting. So, who’s right?

According to Daniel Gilbert, a Harvard University psychology professor, introducing children into a marriage sends happiness into a downward spiral. Daniel claims that scientific and economic research shows that marriage is a constant source of joy — not children or money.

“Figures show that married people are in almost every way happier than unmarried people - whether they are single, divorced, cohabiting.”

“Married people live longer, married people earn more money per capita, married people have more sex and enjoy it more.”

Most people believe that children will make you happier, but Gilbert says happiness spikes when expecting a baby and declines immediately after childbirth. Moreover, according to the research, your happiness continues to decline each time you have a child.

“In reality … children do seem to increase happiness as long as you’re expecting them, but as soon as you have them, trouble sets in,” he said.

“People are extremely happy before they have children and then their happiness goes down, and it takes another big hit when kids reach adolescence.

“When does it come back to it’s original baseline? Oh, about the time the children grow up and go away.”

Explaining why the statistics conflicted with most people’s view of parenthood, Prof Gilbert made the unusual comparison to buying a pair of Armani socks.

“When people own Armani socks they can’t stop telling you they are the best socks, the most amazing socks,” he said.

“(But) I suspect that one of the reasons that people who own Armani socks think they are wonderful is because they have paid $85 for a pair.

“The psychologists tell us that we like things more when we pay for them - what does that sound like? It sounds like children. We pay for them in time, attention, blood, sweat and tears - what kind of idiots would we be to devote all of that to the rearing of our young if they’d didn’t bring us some happiness?”

The fact that parenthood crowded out all other things in life could explain why we considered children our greatest source of joy, he said.

“Parents tell me all the time that: `My child is my greatest source of joy’,” he said.

“My reply is that: `Yes, when you have one source of joy, it’s bound to be your greatest’.”

So, who’s telling the truth — the parents or Professor Gilbert and his research? Are parents simply brainwashed into thinking their lives are better? Are they denying reality?  Or, do children really make you more happy?

Mother’s day reaches its 100th anniversary on Sunday.  I find it interesting that a woman who never married and never had children was the one who started it all.  Anna Jarvis organized the first mother’s day service in 1908, three years after her mother died.  Even though she wasn’t a mother, she felt it was important to recognize these hard working women and create a memorial for them. 

West Virginia became the first state to recognize Mother’s Day in 1910. President Woodrow Wilson approved a resolution in 1914 marking the second Sunday in May a nationwide observance.  Now 52 countries across the world celebrate this day in May.

The celebrations have changed greatly over time.  With 83 million mothers in the USA alone, retailers have seized the opportunity and commercialized the holiday.  That was not part of Anna’s vision.  She had only intended for mothers to be honored with a single white carnation.  She didn’t like the idea of people buying cards either.  Anna felt that in purchasing a card, people were being too lazy to write a personal greeting to the women who reared them.

Anna had a point.   The National Retail Federation estimates that Americans will spend $15 billion this year honoring their mothers. Dining out is expected to be the No. 1 expense.  Amidst all of the shopping and eating, we may neglect the one thing that is most important — a personal word of thanks for all the sacrifices our moms made throughout the years. 

As you send flowers, mail your cards, and eat dinners with your mothers on Sunday, don’t neglect the most important thing.  Tell your mom how much she means to you.  I know I will.

Today I stood graveside as family and friends said goodbye to my uncle. Since he was being laid to rest in the same cemetery as my grandparents, we wandered over to look at their headstone before departing. As we stood around looking at the dates and remembering their lives, I was reminded of this poem written by Linda Ellis. 

I read of a man who stood to speak
at the funeral of a friend.
He referred to the dates on her tombstone
from the beginning…to the end.

 

He noted that first came the date of her birth
and spoke of the following date with tears,
but he said what mattered most of all
was the dash between those years.

 

For that dash represents all the time
that she spent alive on earth…
and now only those who loved her
know what that little line is worth.

 

For it matters not, how much we own;
the cars….the house…the cash.
What matters is how we live and love
and how we spend our dash.

 

So think about this long and hard…
are there things you’d like to change?
For you never know how much time is left.
(You could be at “dash midrange.”)

 

If we could just slow down enough
to consider what’s true and real,
and always try to understand
the way other people feel.

 

And be less quick to anger,
and show appreciation more
and love the people in our lives
like we’ve never loved before.

 

If we treat each other with respect,
and more often wear a smile…
remembering that this special dash
might only last a little while.

 

So, when your eulogy’s being read
with your life’s actions to rehash…
would you be proud of the things they
say about how you spend your dash?

Life is so precious.  Amidst the chaos, I sometimes forget how fleeting it can be.  James 4:14 said it best, “For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appeareth for a little time, and then vanishes away.”

The older I get, the faster time flies.  It seems like only a few years have passed since I was in high school, but in reality I graduated 20 years ago this month.  Wow, that doesn’t seem possible.  Where did all that time go?  Will the next 20 pass as quickly?  I hope not.

I want to slow down and savour life, especially today.  My uncle lost his battle with cancer this afternoon.  It was a tough fight.  He was transferred to Baylor hospital in Dallas last week to receive better medical care, but it was to no avail. 

While it’s a sad day for the family, there’s a silver lining in the clouds.  He gave his life to God a few years ago, and that means he rests in a better place tonight.  He is free from the cancer that ravaged his body. 

During times like this, I tend to reflect back on my own life and think ahead to the future.  Maybe that’s why Ecclesiastes 7:2 states, “It is better to spend more time at funerals than at festivals. For you are going to die and you should think about it while there is still time.”

One day I’ll stand at the end of this life preparing to enter into eternity.  On that day, I want to look back on my life and know that I had an impact not only in this world, but also in the kingdom of God.  I want my vapor to count for something. 

Time is precious.  I’m not going to waste it.