Happy Parents: Dishonest or in Denial?
If you are married sans kids, it’s likely that you’ve been asked the “when are you having children” question hundreds (maybe thousands) of times. Some people will tell you having children is the best thing that ever happened to them. Others will say you are wise for waiting. So, who’s right?
According to Daniel Gilbert, a Harvard University psychology professor, introducing children into a marriage sends happiness into a downward spiral. Daniel claims that scientific and economic research shows that marriage is a constant source of joy — not children or money.
“Figures show that married people are in almost every way happier than unmarried people – whether they are single, divorced, cohabiting.”
“Married people live longer, married people earn more money per capita, married people have more sex and enjoy it more.”
Most people believe that children will make you happier, but Gilbert says happiness spikes when expecting a baby and declines immediately after childbirth. Moreover, according to the research, your happiness continues to decline each time you have a child.
“In reality … children do seem to increase happiness as long as you’re expecting them, but as soon as you have them, trouble sets in,” he said.
“People are extremely happy before they have children and then their happiness goes down, and it takes another big hit when kids reach adolescence.
“When does it come back to it’s original baseline? Oh, about the time the children grow up and go away.”
Explaining why the statistics conflicted with most people’s view of parenthood, Prof Gilbert made the unusual comparison to buying a pair of Armani socks.
“When people own Armani socks they can’t stop telling you they are the best socks, the most amazing socks,” he said.
“(But) I suspect that one of the reasons that people who own Armani socks think they are wonderful is because they have paid $85 for a pair.
“The psychologists tell us that we like things more when we pay for them – what does that sound like? It sounds like children. We pay for them in time, attention, blood, sweat and tears – what kind of idiots would we be to devote all of that to the rearing of our young if they’d didn’t bring us some happiness?”
The fact that parenthood crowded out all other things in life could explain why we considered children our greatest source of joy, he said.
“Parents tell me all the time that: `My child is my greatest source of joy’,” he said.
“My reply is that: `Yes, when you have one source of joy, it’s bound to be your greatest’.”
So, who’s telling the truth — the parents or Professor Gilbert and his research? Are parents simply brainwashed into thinking their lives are better? Are they denying reality? Or, do children really make you more happy?
I have a 23 year old and a 20 year old. Here is my response:
They are all right.
Having children is the hardest job you’ll ever have. It can be rewarding and it can be stressful. It will make you happy and it will make you sad. It will drain your bank account.
The questions to ask yourself are:
Why do I want to have children?
Am I willing to give up most of my income for the next 20 some odd years to raise this person?
Am I willing to change my life-style for the next 20 some odd years?
Am I willing to give up my career and personal goals for the next 20 years?
Are you ready for a lot less sleep?
Are you ready for a lot more stress?
Are you ready for a lot of doctor bills? (even if you have a healthy child, it is expensive)
Are you ready for temper tantrums?
Are you prepared for a teenage rebel?
All this brings me back to the question in your post: what kind of idiots would we be to devote all of that to the rearing of our young if they’d didn’t bring us some happiness?
And, finally, can you do it alone? (given the stastics of divorce in the country).
I’m not saying it hasn’t been worth it. I’m just pointing out the realities of having children these days. So many people are ill-prepared for the work it requires raising a child. I always knew I wanted children, but I have friends and I’ve seen young mothers these days who (looking back) said they wouldn’t have done it if they knew how hard it would be.
Best advice I can offer, know thyself first. Can you handle it? Can you commit to the work required?
`Yes, when you have one source of joy, it’s bound to be your greatest’
OH SNAP!
Wow. That is a very interesting study.
Yes, Laura…I’m actually leaving a reply on your blog – which I was just introduced to by Derrick’s blog. Pretty interesting stuff!
My opinion is that you can’t look at parenthood with any expectations of what you are going to get out of it or what you are going to give up. We can’t live and make decisions based on hypotheticals all the time. I believe the answer is simple, either you want kids or you don’t. There should be no judgements or misconceptions – just choices.
My choice was simple and a surprise! But a happy surprise. I just think so many people see children as a financial burden, freedom encroacher or youth destroyer. For me, I see my child as a blessing – for all that he has taught me! I’m supposed to be teaching him things – not the other way around. But, believe it or not, I think I have learned more from him! He has helped me grow in so many different ways that haven’t always been apparent to me but now I see them more clearly, as he is getting older and becoming his own “person.” I know that because of him, I’m not as selfish as I once was nor do I worry about the small, petty things in life. All I have are the hopes that my child grows up happy, healthy and a solid, unshakeable understanding of the difference between right and wrong, and for him to be held accountable when he chooses the wrong path and proud when he chooses the right one.
I just know that I have made so many mistakes in my life, pre-and post-child birth, but they are mistakes I have learned from and I have passed on those relevant learnings to my child. For better or worse, I am doing the best I can to raise the best person I can. And, I know it may be cavalier, but my way of looking at life now is, “it is what it is and it is what I make it.”
I wrote this after a double shot espresso and a cappuccino so I hope it makes sense! Yeah Caffeine!!!!!!
Someday I’m going to have to explain to my daughter why I continually equate parenting to owning a pet.
It’s not being a pet owner that I like – it’s the pet itself. Being a pet owner can be a pain in the butt. You know as well as I do that it would be easier to not have dogs. You have to have someone watch them when you travel, you have to go home and let them out. It’s work. But, it’s worth it because I love them.
It’s similar with a child. I don’t think you need one to be happy. People that think you’re weird for not having a kid are stupid. I don’t think it is some mission in life. I’m sure after the first couple billion people in the world, God was holding up his hands and going “whoa, whoa — that’s enough multiplying.” In fact, people that say that “oh you’ll love it, it will change you” need to keep their opinions to themselves. There are plenty of people that go into it with that mindset and obviously feel otherwise. Look at all of kids up for adoption out there.
The reason we’re happy is because we have this little person that we love so much. Much like a dog, we have to work to take care of her, but now that we know her and love her, the parenting part is worth it. Some of it is hard work, but so much of it is great. It’s fun to teach her to count and to sing her ABCs. It’s fun to see who she is becoming. It didn’t strengthen our marriage, but it didn’t weaken it either. Our relationship is the same. We could have been happy in a different way without having kids. Neither of us were like “oh geez, we have to have kids to complete our lives.” In fact, we were like “oh boy, do we really want to do this?” But we’re very happy we did.
I believe the study that you referenced has a lot of merit. But I also believe that a large percentage of people don’t have kids for the right reasons. The key to anything in life is to think first and make an informed decision. Everyone is different, and there is no right answer.
Laura – I just found your blog today through Derrick’s. I like it! And of course my first comment on your blog has to be the one about kids. I went to a marriage seminar a couple of months ago (last minute thing or I would have invited One Life) and they had a really cool chart reflecting when most marriages end in divorce. Interestingly the peaks of divorce were around year 7 and and year 19 of marriage (I think those were the years). It correlated closely with having children and the children leaving the house. Of course I’m no insinuating that having children will cause divorce – just an interesting statistic.
Thanks Angela and welcome! Yeah, I think this is a fitting blog for your first comment…haha! Thanks for sharing the stats…that’s really insightful.